What I Want

“What’s your aim in life? What do you want to be?,” asked my inquirer.

That’s a tricky question I thought to myself. Agriculture scientist, Block Development Officer, Banker, etc. etc. were the options playing out in my mind. My predecessors to this stage had said one of these things when asked the same question. Why the hell do they have to ask this question? I was not well prepared to give a satisfactory answer. I was on the stage in front of the entire university, teachers and students attending the Fresher’s welcome arranged for our batch. And this is one of the many questions every fresher was being put through to assess his potential to be named what they called ‘cream’ of the batch or some such fancy tag.

“I want to become someone who does what he likes to.” I answered at last.

I could not believe I really said it. But I did. The pressure of the situation was such that I was not in a position to prepare a response that would have satisfied all. But to hell with others, I reasoned. It was not a well thought out answer, but it pleased me no end to have literally murdered the questioner’s scrutiny.

The person who had asked the question was a reader in one of the University departments. He was definitely not expecting such a ‘vague’ answer. But he let it pass without much ado. There were a lot of other freshers to be welcomed. So I got my leave.

Well, that was in 1999. Everybody thought that with time, I would become more ‘responsible’ about my career and zero in on something that could be called a decent aim in life. But in 2011, one evening over tea, when my little sister ( who is nine years younger to me) asked me the same question, again I had no satisfactory answer. I tried a lot to focus on some measurable aim for my life, short term, long term; but every time, the focus got diverted after a short period of time. So even now in 2016, if you ask me the same question, I don’t have a satisfactory answer to give you.

This picture was taken in the monsoon of 2011. I had gone with a group of friends to the hill station of Matheran. This hill station is famous for its undisturbed forests and pleasurable forest walks.

matheran aimless

My life is akin to the muddy path in the picture. I can only see up to a few hundred meters where the path bends. Rest is all jungle to me. I guess the path turns left at that point. So here is my life; I am walking this brown well trodden path now, and I will as far as I can see it, then maybe I will turn as the path turns or maybe not. Who knows, maybe at that point I would feel like entering the jungle to find a new path . And why should I even walk the path till then? Who is stopping me from leaving the path right now? Yeah, I could very well do that as well. The only thing I am sure of right now is of where I am standing. And the view from here? it’s awesome! I will walk this path only as long as it feels awesome, then when this path gets monotonous, and my eyes are starved to seek something new, I will move on, searching for a new path, something new with a view that more awesome. So if you ask me where this path leads to, I sure as hell don’t know. Do you think I really care what’s at the end of it, I think I don’t, not at this moment.

 

This post is in response to Daily post prompt Aimless

 

 

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